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pissed off

I know I promised Todd I wouldn't write about our personal lives on line, but I have no else to talk to... I'm just generally pissed off.

Dont get me wrong he is the love of my life, but some days I'm not sure that I'm enough.

Todd , has a huge problem with drinking.. not that he's abusive or anything-- he just likes to drink- alot.

No matter what the problem is he needs to drink, and I'm really getting tired of it. I found to bottles of that shit hidden in the couch, I had to go with out eating tonight as work, because I'm broke, but that's okay he got his liquor.

I am really getting tired of all this... you keep wanting to believe that everything is going to change-- but you know every time they are going to quit its another lie you can't bear to hear..

I just dont know what to do anymore, how many more times will I hear this lie before I give up??
I am so tired of crying myself to sleep, Iam tired of the arguing...

I'm only recently knoticed that the only time Todd ever wants to have sex is when he is drunk-... how good does that make me fell? I am I really that bad of a lover?
iam so full of dought for myself-- i really wish i know what to do.. 

ever want to just give up?

Just give up, and sit in a corner and stay there until someone realizes you?
Knowing deep down inside that no one will ever see you. Welsome to my life.
There is nothing more lonly then being at home. All the fucking time.
I hate this feeling -
I hate this apptament, this city
and at the moment I hate me.
I am so lonly  and I have no idea what to do about it.
Ive never really had friends before- i woudn;t even know what to do with them.
I only really want one frined- one person i can talk to and relate with..

I have no one i can relate to its and killing me slowly.. Todd has no idea what its like to be depressed or lonly. He has frineds.
I dont have anyone i can talk to everyone is realated to him!
its driing me fucking mad- I can;t go anywere or do anything, and with out a job i have nothing to my name. 
Sadly thats how I feel- like nothing.
Iam going nowhere in life, I dont even know who i am anymore.
I try so hard to be happy to pretend everythin is alright... and the truth is , nothing is okay. Nothing is alright.

If it wasn;t for todd i dont know where i would be right now- hes the one thing keeping me sortof together. 
But i can;t talkt o him when iam depressed or upset, he doesn;t understand it-
I just really need a frined..

another one

"Spread your legs a little wider." Kix instructed, rubbing his hand across my inner hips as he moved closer to them licking me.
I moaned into Rex mouth, his hand running up and down my arm relaxing me as his tongue ran across mine causing me to gasp in pleaser.
"She's a screamer." Rex told Kix.
"I've noticed." Fives laughed, rubbing his tongue across my clitaus.  "Keep her quite."
I leaned into Rex's chest, my head turned to him as he kissed my lips his hand running up and down my chest squeezing and pinching my nipples. I closed me eyes, leaning into Rex's embrace moaning as Rex whispered sweet nothing into my ears, as Kix sucked on my clit, his finger running across the small path to my back hole.
"Relax," Rex whispered gently, petting my Lekku softly. "Just breath."
I nodded, as I felt some thing cool and wet run across the tight hole as Kix slowly spend my ass cheek apart placing his smallest finger into the hole. His other hand caressing my hip holding me but still as Rex whispered softly coaxing me to relax.
I wasn't in any pain, but I was unsure of what I was feeling as
Rex lay me down onto my back, his mouth sucking my beast my moaning filling up the room as Rex's hand lifted up my leg, placing it over  Kix shoulder as sucked and nip on my clit. His  finger willing inside my back end as the small orgasms ripped though my body.
"Good girl." Rex whispered softly, as I noticed the one finger in my back end was now two, both now wiggling around inside me.
"Get on you're knees." Kix whispered gently, removing his fingers from my backside.
Rex handed him a towel to wipe his hand as I turned around facing Rex whom sat me onto of his erection forcing himself deep inside of me.
"Just relax." Kix reminded me, moving me behind me as adding more lub onto his hand as he replaced his hand back inside me. Rex took my mouth into his is tongue dancing with mine as I ran my fingers over his chest.
I moaned as Kix added a third finger the pressure seemed to be getting to much for me as I cried out.
"Good girl." Kix whispered softly, as I felt him move closer to words me. "Hold her up."
Rex nodded, holding onto my hip lifting me up into his legs.
"That's good." Kix told Rex, as he moved his erection slowly inside of me.
I gasp in a mixture of pain and pleaser as I held on to Rex's shoulder blade my nails digging into his skin.
"Relax." Rex whispered gently, taking my chin in his hand kissing me. The sensation of being filled from both ends was going to dive me straight to Hoth.
"It to much." I whimpered, as Kix pulled himself back a bit. "Good."
"Good?" Kix asked gently, kissing my shoulder.
"Can I move now?" Rex laughed, having sat still the whole time Kix worked inside of me.
I laughed gently, "Please."
I turned my head, pulling Kixs mouth closer to mine tasting myself on his lips. Moaning from Rex's moment as he withdrew himself before reentering me.
Kix ran his fingers over my breast as he rocked along with Rex.
"Oh god." I whispered into Kix as he laughed hold onto me, running his tongue across mine. As I felt myself lose all control.
FORGIVE THE SPELLING

THIS  HAD TO BE ONE OF THE MOST EMBARRASSING THINGS I HAVE EVER HAD TO DO FOR A SAKE OF THE MISSION.
MY MOUTH AROUND REX'S COCK AS HE HELD ON TO HIS TONGUE PRETENDING HE WASN'T ENJOYING IT. I COULD FEEL MASTER SKYWALKER'S EYES GLUED TO ME, AS I MOANED PLAYING MY PART OF A SLAVE.
REX AND MY JOB WAS SUPPOSED TO BE EASY, GET IN AND BREAK MASTER OUT, BUT THE HUTT FOUND AS AS WE WHERE TRYING TO BREAK IN TO THE HOLDING CELL. 
HE NOW HELD THE CHANG AROUND MY NECK AS REX HELD ON TO MY LEK FORCING HIS PENIS DOWN MY THROAT. I GAGGED, SLIGHTLY AS HE MOVED MY HEAD UP ALLOWING ME TO BREATH, AS I LICKED HIS TIP. 
"JUST RELAX." REX WHISPERED SOFTLY, CALMING MY NERVOUS, AS I LOOKED UP TO HIM. "AND WATCH YOUR TEETH."
I NODDED BLUSHING, AS I KISSED HIM, RUNNING MY THONGE ALONG HIS LENGTH. IN ANOTHER OTHER SITUATION I WOULD HAVE BEEN TURNED ON, BUT HAVING SKY-GUY IN THE ROOM WAS ONLY MAKING IT WORSE. (BUT THEN AGAIN, WHO WOULD WANT THEIR OLDER BROTHER WATCHING THEM DO THIS?)
THE HUTT DEMANDED SOMETHING, AS SAT BACK ON TO THE HEELS OF MY FEET WAITING FOR INSTRUCTIONS IN BASIC. 
"HE WANTS ME TO FUCK YOU,WELL YOU WORK ON REX." MASTER WHISPERED AS HE MOVED CLOSER, TOUCHING MY LEG AS HE PULLED UP MY SKIRT. HE SOUNDED AS IF HE HAD BEEN DEFEATED, HE HELD NO ENERGY IN HIS VOICE, WHATEVER THEY HAD DONE TO HIM THEY HAD BROKEN HIS SPRITE. 
"WHAT?" I PULLED REX OUT OF MY MOUTH QUICKLY TURNING TO HIM.
MASTER SKYWALKER REFUSED TO LOOK ME IN THE EYE, AS HE REMOVED HIMSELF FROM HIS PANTS, HE WASN'T CIRCUMCISED AS HE MOVED HIS HAND AROUND  TRYING  TO MAKE HIM HARD.
"IF I DONT, HE WILL," MASTER TOLD ME, AS HE SHOCK HIS HEAD. HE FELT SO GUILTY HE COULDN'T EVEN LOOK ME IN THE EYES AS HE MOVED BEHIND ME AS HE SPIT ON TO HIS HAND, RUNNING IT OVER MY LOWER LIPS. THE HUTT DEMANED SOMETHING ELSE CAUSING MASTER TO STOP WHAT HE WAS ABOUT TO DO. 
"I AM SORRY, AHSOKA" MASTER WHISPERED AS HE ENTERED ME DRY, CAUSING ME TO SCREAM OUT IN PAIN. 
"GOOD GIRL." REX WHISPERED GENTLY, WIPING THE TEARS OUT OF MY EYES AS I TRIED TO ADJUST TO MASTERS MOVEMENTS. "JUST THINK ITS SOMEONE ELSE."
I NODDED, CLOSING MY EYES AS I TRIED TO THINK SOMEONE ELSE BEHIND ME.
I LOOKED IN TO REX'S MIND TO SEE HIM IMAGING ECHO BEHIND ME.  I USED THAT IMAGE AS MY OWN, AS SKY GUYS NAILS DUG INTO MY SKIN CAUSING ME TO CRY OUT IN A MIXTURE OF PAIN AND PLEASURE, AS CHOCKED ON REX'S SEMEN AS IT POURED DOWN INTO MY THOUGHT. 
 

SHORT!

SOMETHING RATHER BLUNT WAS STABBING HER LOWER BACK AS AHSOKA AWOKE, REACHING DOWN TO PUSH IT AWAY FROM HER. AHSOKA HAD BEEN PLACED IN BETWEEN FIVES AND ECHO FOR THE NIGHT, THE TWO PROMISING TO  KEEP HER WARM FROM THE OUTSIDE AIR. HER SMALL GROUP OF MEN HAD BEEN FORCED TO STOP AND CAMP FOR THE NIGHT AS THEY WAITED FOR THE VIOLENT THUNDER STORM TO PASS. CURIOUS ASHOKA TURNED TO THE OFFENDING OBJECT AS SHE NOTICED SHE WAS TOUCHING FIVES ERECTION. WITH A BIT OF A GASP SHE LET IT GO.
"ITS NOT NICE TO TEASE." FIVES SPOKE GRABBING HER HAND FORCING IT BACK ON TO HIM, AS HE MOVED IT UP AND DOWN OVER TOP OF THE CLOTH. 
"JUST PET IT GENTLY UP AND DOWN."
Todays little R birthday,
cake and presents! Gotta love it
I had so much fun, baby got more toys.

I had another migraine last night, I went to bed shortly after anna arrived home. So from 830 until 9 30- 10 this morning.
Then I got up, helped with the kids. Big D was gone for the entire day, just before I got up until I put the younglings to sleep. Then argued with his dad. They are so mich alike its a little scary.

David claiming he's sick (he has a sore throat) now, then eat a piece of cake, and now he's sick again... There is no winning.

Soo nother else is new, blah


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Tuesday, dec 13

Well, today and full of ups and downs.

Upside Nancy home, and I don't think I did anything right. Nancy came home and had us reclean it. Even going as far as redoing the breakfust dishes. So iam heart broken right now, but determed to change thing around and learn. Or some other positive bullshit.
Right now I don't have the energy to be positive, I just want to sleep lol, D got me up at 5 this morning so iam to tired to think. Iam so going to bed early tonight, maybe with something awsome to write. Or sleep.

14

Well nancy sent me home on the 13, she's in to much pain to deal with extra hands right now. I got a migrain last night around 730 entering the first day of it.. These normal last two days.


15
Day two of migrain. Yay!! (Kill me)
Going back to Nancys today.
Todds going to take me for coffee I hope it does something to help with my head. My last day of work to, so excited!!

15 night

Migraine is gone!!!!!
Finally, I was going to lose my mind. Todds going to make me a doctors apptment to get proper medication for them.
Meria got me soaps as a fairwell present. Very sweat of her, so with Kristans gift that makes half of the people at mother hood that cares.
Sad isn't it? Well fuck them iam done, that's all that matters.
As for baby sitting Sheenas got a few days off for us to figure out her mums needs and the kids, were going to set up the tree this weekend. So excited.
I get to set up a tree, this year so iam excited.


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Yup... 630.
Thats the time these kids start getting up each morning. D first, then M.. the I get the E out of bed.
Keven brings the baby down whenever he wants, iam not going in to another persons bedroom. its not my place, and i'm not going in there. i have enough daddy issues as it is.

Then at 8 everyone get the fuck out out of here and goes to school leaving me and the baby to have our morning nap.  okay i showered, and cleaned. until 1130 -12 ish.
then baking until M schooled called she refused to go to class so i cant to bring her home.
(M has a few mental health issues, and being me I truthfully understanding all mental health issues and told her it was none of my business, she didn;t have to tell me anything took her home and let her play on the computer. )
I had to dress the baby so i could take him out side in his stroller, picked up m and brought her home for half an hour before i had to go back to the school so we could picked up her brothers at school, lisented to them beg and demand treats,  to which i all laughed at.
Sheena told me there was no treats tongiht, so i didn;t give them., but the kids eat all there dinner. so it was worth the bull shit. and since the kids go to bed at 630, i;ve been doing dishes, lunches, made a tea, and feed the animals... yay animals.

now i have no fucking clue what to do with myslef.  now..... i wanna go to sleep but the sensatable side wants a shower... which means i need to stay up until the washer goes off... fuck. didn;t think that though..

but i have decied i want a baby. Todd will hate my idea but i really want this life i love playing mommy.

mommy hood 101 and bitching about work

Nancy had her knee surgery on Thursday, and after a few issues with pain management she's doing awesome!
Sheena and I helped her wash her hair last night, so I hope she feel half human again.

The kids are cute, d (the oldest) is full of energy. He's autistic, and part of his charm is to remember sports information. The lost exciting thing to him, the last thing I could care about.
Then they is M and E both 7 year olds.
M was up singing to herself at 430 this morning, I asked to go back to bed and she had no issue with that.
Davids been up since 630, well the baby little R was up shortly after.

Its 7 now and the only one not up with E, the rest are fed and medicated. Very awesome!
Sheen should be home for the chrismas part. She went to last night with in the next hour (I hope I have to work at 945) so I hope she's home around 8.

Three days left working at motherhood for me, and I can't be happier.
Don't get me wrong I loved working their, but, I was the "bitch" if someone needed a day off I was always the one to be called in. Even when iam sick I have no choice but to go in for everyone
Its such bullshit and I finally had enough. Enough of the back stabbing, enough of the demands, enough of the bullshit.

Iam so not going to be ready for work today, and I don't even care, I just want to go to bed and say fuck you to everyone. But I can't.
So I'll chill on the couch and watch over the baby. I don't feel confortalbe leaving little R in the roon with D unattended.


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